


I hope it's not for nothing at all

by jinglebin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Skam International Secret Admirer, a bit - Freeform, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 02:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13695345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinglebin/pseuds/jinglebin
Summary: A relationship hasn't failed unless you don't learn anything from it.





	I hope it's not for nothing at all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notanugget](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notanugget/gifts).



_1._

Jonas doesn’t think of himself as a romantic.

Statistically the chance that you end up with your first girlfriend is ridiculously small. He knows that.

There’s something about the concept of love that has always frustrated him. No one could ever accurately explain it. Everyone just says when you feel it you know.

Being around Ingrid makes him feel happy and admired and it’s a feeling he doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of. He would spend every second of every day with her if he could.

Ingrid tells him she loves and it makes his heart soar, so he says it back without a second’s hesitation.

Statistically it’s very unlikely that he and Ingrid will stay together.

Someone has to defy the odds.

 

“Do you think they’ll start dating?”

Ingrid surprises him with the question. He turns to her in confusion.

“Who?”

“Eva and Isak.”

At first Jonas wants to laugh. The concept of Isak and Eva isn’t something he can take seriously, though he’s not sure why. Despite that he follows Ingrid’s gaze to see Isak with an arm wrapped around Eva’s shoulder. Eva’s laughing like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

An uneasy feeling settles in his stomach.

It takes him a moment to recognize the feelings as jealousy, and he doesn’t understand where it comes from.

 

He gets in the way of it.

Even after it becomes clear there’s nothing going on between Isak and Eva, he can’t stop himself from intruding on their time together.

He starts ditching Ingrid to hang out with Isak and Eva and he knows he shouldn’t. He squashes the guilt he feels. Jonas just wants to spend time with his best friend. There’s nothing wrong with that.

He can’t hide the real reason from himself for long. He’s not as desperate to spend time with Isak alone as he is to tag along when Isak hangs with Eva.

It feels like a lie now when he tells Ingrid he loves her. He knows he should break up with her. He knows he should.

He doesn’t.

 

Time stops when Eva kisses him, or he kisses her, it’s hard to tell.

He doesn’t know if what he feels for Eva is love. He can’t be sure, but he knows it’s more powerful than what he feels for Ingrid.

He wishes he could get lost in it. He wishes he could stay with her forever.

He can’t because the guilt is eating him up inside.

He wishes he hadn’t been such a coward before.

 

“You told me you loved me.”

He did. He did. He shouldn’t have been so sure of something he had no frame of reference for.

Ingrid’s voice is soft, hurt. There’s not a trace of anger or resentment. That kind of makes this worse. She should be angry. Maybe that will come later.

“It felt true at the time.”

There’s tears welling up in Ingrid’s eyes. She is trying hard to blink them away.

“What about me? Do I really love you?”

It’s barely a whisper and it feels like needle shoved in his heart. Ingrid isn’t capable of breaking his heart, but thinking he broke hers is a sharper pain than he expected.

“I can’t tell you how you feel.”

She nods slightly.

“You deserve someone who loves you completely. I want that for you.”

Ingrid averts her gaze, refusing to look at Jonas.

“Ingrid…”

“Just go.”

 

_2._

Eva is like a revelation.

Being with her feels so natural and so right that the way they happened seems almost irrelevant. His guilt fades so quickly, but he can’t feel bad about it.

He’s too damn happy to feel bad about it.

He can tell the guilt is still eating away at Eva. He wishes she could be as carefree and happy as he is. He hopes her guilt goes away soon.

It doesn’t.

 

They fall into bed really quickly.

It just happens. Jonas doesn’t worry about it or wonder if it’s right like he did with Ingrid. It just happens and it’s amazing.

It makes their relationship feel more intense. More _real._ It feels more mature and built to last.

He’s wrong about that.

 

Keeping secrets is always a bad idea.

Jonas figured it wouldn’t be that bad. It seemed innocent. A white lie. It wouldn’t matter in the long run.

He didn’t think the guilt was still chipping away at Eva, making her feel insecure.

How do you blame someone for not trusting you when you had something to hide?

 

It’s not a surprise when it eventually falls apart.

He wasn’t ready for it.

Neither was she. They were both too young and bad at communicating, and they started off on the ashes of what they did to Ingrid.

They weren’t ready.

 

Letting Eva go is one of the hardest things he’s ever done, but he has to do it.

He almost wishes they never happened. That they hadn’t fallen in love until they were older. That he could have made these mistakes with someone else.

He wouldn’t give up the memories of what they had for anything.

He still wishes they could have gotten it right.

 

_3._

Isabel is just a distraction.

She seems to know and doesn’t seem to mind. Jonas thinks she might be using him to get over someone too.

He’s fine with that.

She makes Eva less present in his thoughts. Like a radio tuned down to its lowest volume. He can almost pretend she isn’t there anymore.

 

He and Isabel spend most of their time in bed.

Jonas can’t pretend he minds it, quite the opposite. It’s the best kind of noise to drown Eva out.

There’s a lot of good in physical intimacy: comfort, touch, pleasure.

It’s not enough.

 

Jonas thought emotions would follow. He wanted them to. He wanted to feel something.

He should have known better than to try and force it.

People always tell you sex doesn't lead to love.

He knows that now.

 

_4._

It’s not a surprise when it happens.

The surprise is how little it bothers him. It’s new and weird and unexpected but it’s… okay.

It kind of snuck up on him but suddenly he’s there.

Mikael.

 

He tells Isak first.

“There’s someone that I like.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s not a girl.”

A smile spreads across Isak’s lips.  “Come on,” he says, “I’ll buy you a kebab and you can tell me about it.”

 

“I can’t tell if he likes me back.”

“No?”

“No,” Jonas says. “He’s so physically affectionate, but he’s like that with everyone.”

Isak scrunches his eyebrows, ponders his reply.

“I’m going to tell you something that would have really helped me. It’s cliché but it’s true.”

“What?”

“Just talk to him.”

 

Jonas goes for it the next time they hang out alone.

He’s still not entirely sure how or why they even started spending time alone. It sort of just happened. They were drawn together.

“I like you.”

Mikael looks at him. He seems confused.

“In a more than friends kind of way.”

Mikael doesn’t respond. He runs.

 

Mikael pretends nothing happened.

They keep hanging out as friends. It’s strange. Jonas doesn’t want to ignore it.

Mikael doesn’t run when he brings it up again. He gets angry.

And then he kisses Jonas.

 

“He’s just so angry all the time,” Jonas tells Isak.

“But you’re seeing each other?” Isak asks.

“Sort of? We just hang out and then make out. I don't know what to think.”

“Sounds like he’s having a rough time with it,” Isak says. “Liking a boy.”

“I know. I’m just afraid he’s going to lash out. I don’t how to help him.”

“Just give him some time to deal with it. He deserves that.”

 

Jonas gives Mikael as much time as he can handle. It gets to be too much eventually.

“You’re making me feel bad about myself. And I can’t take it anymore.”

“I really like you Jonas. I do. It’s hard for me to even say that out loud.”

“I know,” Jonas says. “And I like you too. But I can’t do this anymore.”

 

It’s impossible to be with someone who doesn’t like themselves.

Jonas still feels it. It crept into him like a cancer, making him not like himself anymore.

He feels guilty for not trying harder, for not being more patient, for not being good enough to help Mikael.

It takes him a while to forgive himself for it.

It takes him even longer before he likes himself again.

 

_5._

Eva drags him to the party.

He’s reluctant to go at first. He’s still not quite sure he even belongs at LGBT events.

It’s hard to have regrets when the night ends with a new number in his phone and a smile on his face.

 

Malin is a bit of a mystery to him.

He can’t quite figure out what she wants from him. She doesn’t seem to want anything serious.

He’s okay with that.

She asks him about Eva a lot though, and that confuses him.

 

It makes sense when he catches her making out with Eva.

“I thought you two were in an open relationship,” Malin says.

Jonas and Eva exchange a surprised look. Maybe it isn’t that weird for her to assume that. They’ve fallen into old habits recently. Jonas hardly even notices the casual touches anymore.

“So what did you expect to happen?” Eva asks Malin.

 

Jonas really thought he’d be more excited when someone offered a threesome to him. He’s mostly just worried. He turns to Eva to see her reaction.

Her enthusiasm takes him by surprise. It convinces him to go along with it.

It’s kind of like a fever dream. It’s hard to believe it happens, it doesn’t feel real.

All he remembers afterwards is Eva.

 

Malin isn’t shocked at all when he ends things.

“I’m sorry if I caused a problem between you two.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jonas replies.

It isn’t. It’s not her fault it uncovered feelings for Eva he didn’t think he had anymore.

When Eva texts him, he doesn’t reply.

 

_+1_

Eva doesn’t let him ignore her.

She’s a lot more self-assured than she used to be; it still takes Jonas by surprise some times.

She corners him after one of his classes and drags him to kaffebrenneriet. She orders for him - Americano, extra sugar, his usual - without a second thought.

Eva knows him, almost as well as he knows himself, he still forgets sometimes.

They sit down at a table and Jonas feels nervous. He keeps his attention on his coffee. Lucky for him Eva speaks up.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” she asks.

“It is,” Jonas agrees. “I don’t know why.”

Eva scrutinizes him. “I know why it’s weird for me. The question is, is it the same reason it’s weird for you.”

Jonas looks up and his eyes find Eva’s. He’s not brave enough for a confession.

“Why is it weird for you?” he asks instead.

“Jonas…” Eva’s voice is low, and she grabs his hand over the table. “I miss you.”

Jonas swallows. He pauses a second to let the words sink it, to make sure she said them. That he didn’t imagine them because that’s what he wants to hear. A smile breaks across his face when he realizes she really did say them.

“I miss you, too. I didn’t think I still did. But I do.”

“I’m sick of telling myself I’m over you,” Eva says. “I just keep having to face that fact that it isn’t true.”

Jonas squeezes her hand and smiles at her. “I can’t forget about you. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.”

Eva smiles brightly. “So do you want to try this again? Us?”

“I do.”

“Do you think we can get it right this time?”

“I don’t know,” Jonas admits, “but I’m going to try my hardest.”

Eva tightens her grip on his hand. “Me too.”

They lean towards each other over the table, and seal their promise with a kiss.


End file.
